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Backstory

DateWednesday, March 3, 2010 at 8:14PM

We've heard the stories about victims of abuse, women or children who were broken by an abuser, friends or family or neighbors who turned into hollow shells of themselves.  But what of the abuser?  Who is he?

He is the romantic, considerate man she fell in love with last year.  He is the gentle, loving father they watch basketball with.  He is someone you work with, someone you see at the grocery store, someone at your gym. 

The control he exerts isn't always physical, which makes it hard to believe sometimes.  Abusers often create rules for their victims, rules that must be followed under threat of a beating or abandonment.  It's the threat of violence that keeps victims compliant - sometimes, that's all that is necessary if the abuser is physically larger or stronger than the victim, as he usually is.

Beyond the rules, the abuser exhibits a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality switch.  In public, he's usually sweet and engaging.  At home, and often at unpredictable moments, he becomes the opposite of that.  The victim rarely knows exactly what his triggers are, and what kind of reaction she'll get.  Will it be violent, or will he simply call her names and make her feel worthless?

When children are the victims of this kind of violence - the vague, unpredictable, emotional kind - they might internalize this and develop mental issues.  Some continue the cycle, perpetuating the trauma and passing it along to those they encounter in their lives.  Others might become overly clingy, children who meet someone once and think they're best friends, people who fall in "love" before really getting to know someone, people who lash out and blame everyone else for their own failures because they've never had the kind of emotional support needed to really grow up.

While not every victim of abuse becomes an abuser himself, there has to be a way to prevent the violence from taking root in so many of its victims.  Because stopping the violence before it spreads is the only way to permanently remedy the problem.

AuthorKimmie Yan | Comment4 Comments |
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