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Saturday
Apr172010

Survival of the Smartest

DateSaturday, April 17, 2010 at 11:02PM

She walks down the stairs towards me, pulling a sweater over her head.  We're late, and I can't help but wonder why my super-punctual friend has taken over an hour to get ready today.  When she reaches me, I understand.  Her face, half-hidden by long bangs, is heavily made-up.  She never wears makeup, and it's obvious that she's trying to hide something.

Outside, the sun hits her with full force.  One eye is puffier than the other, her nose is slightly red, and there's a purplish tinge to her jaw under the heavy concealer and foundation she seems to have applied with a trowel.  He's done it again, I know.  And he'll do it tonight, too, if I keep her out too late.

What I want is to drive her to a shelter and make sure she never comes back to this poorly maintained apartment building on the outskirts of San Francisco, or convince her to come back with me to Los Angeles tomorrow.  What I want is to make her understand that in letting him hit her, over and over again, she's killing herself.  But I'll make sure she's home in two hours, relaxed and sweaty after yoga, with enough time to shower and have dinner ready for him when he gets home.  As much as I hate what's happening to her, I love her and want to keep her safe.  If only for the night.

When someone is being abused, an immediate withdrawal from the situation isn't always practical - or safe.  In instances like my friend's, she has no way to sustain a life on her own.  She doesn't make much income, she lives with her boyfriend, and her family is thousands of miles away.  So she waits, secretly saving money in an account he doesn't know about, biding her time until she has enough to move everything she owns out of the apartment in one fell swoop.

Sometimes, it's the smartest move.  When your abuser doesn't know that you're leaving, when his violence is predictable and you know how to prevent or (at best) quelch it before it affects you, it feels somehow easier to ride it out until you can cut the ties permanently and swiftly.  Put the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 [SAFE]) on speed dial no matter how safe you feel for the moment.

But if there's an emergency situation, if you're in immediate danger, if the violence is unpredictable and uncontrollable, if a child is being harmed - GET OUT NOW.  No matter where you are in the world, and domestic abuse is a global problem, there are resources to keep you safe.

My friend is safe tonight.  She'll probably be safe tomorrow night.  But she knows that, if push comes to shove, there's always a way out.  And that knowledge gives her just enough power to keep going.

AuthorKimmie Yan | Comment5 Comments |
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Reader Comments (5)

If you wish to be the best man, you must suffer the bitterest of the bitter. vaidda vaidda - Tory Burch Boots Outlet.

November 23, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterochele ochele

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